What's the key?
" Such as? "
' Like when we planned the trip to Windermere. Because some of his relatives were coming with us and my schedule was so crazy, which made it impssible for me to survey all the hotel and B&B options that we could have, but I was the one who was physically there to make the phone call and make reservation. So we sort of splitting up the responsibilities-- he did some research and we ended up having a list of the options, and I made the phone calls after we discussed the list to make reservation for us. The best part is that we just kept each other updated regarding the progress from each side and made decisions together. '
" Anything else? "
' When we were cooking together. I like that when he would ask me to chop something or make saying coke chicken...etc. So it's like that we were collaborating to make dinner or whichever meal happened. '
" More? "
' Also, when we were working on the shedule about calling each other back in 06. It feels that we both had the same goal and we were moving towards each other... we knew that it's challenging, but we were both trying hard to make it work. But when I had to ask him to meet online and lot of responses were basically no because he had given other things the priorities... it just changed everything. And he would blame me on giving him the short notice without proposing an alternative time that would work. It's not like he just did that once or twice, but many times. What was even sadder was that I just let him do that without telling him how I truely felt. '
" Why didn't you tell him? "
' Well, I didn't see any hope that he would have listened to it and even worse, would be willing to make change about it. Long time ago, I had told him that I felt that he did not spend much time with my family and he said he knew that, but nothing was changed. Even he said he knew that. There was still no indication of him thinking of spending more time with my family or having both our families to know each other whenever there were holidays. Whenever I thought about planning a trip together during the holidays, the limited holidays that he had, what ended up happening was that he had already made plans with his families and neither me nor my family was part of the plan. That was when I realize that this person does not seem really wanting to know my family or planning a future with me. And it turns out to be true. So when he said that he has the confidence that my family would agree with our marriage, I felt...... arrongance'
" Then, why can't you let it go since it sounds that you have come to that realization long time ago? "
' Because I like that we appreciate the same things, such as cooking, taking pictures, travelling, drinking, art... etc. Even small things like we pay attention to watches... '
" And you don't believe that you can share that kind of appreciation with another individual? "
' Idk, after all these years and then realized that he has been lying for such a long time. How can I believe that there will be another person else there that can be honest with me when the one that has been with me more than a decade can't make that happened? '
" My question can be more specific. Since he can't be the one being honest, why can't you let it go? Do you think it's possible that he was doing the opposite-- exaggerating the negative moments that you guys shared and then overlooked the positive ones. So as you know about Hebbian learning, you guys were strengthened different kinds of connections, more specifically, the opposite ones."
' That sounds possible. '
" Maybe you could do the same thing? "
' Which is? '
" Strengthen the connenction as the ones that he had been doing. "
' The negativie ones? Then, what would be left for this relationship, if I basically give up all the positive moments. '
" It's not about giving up. It's about seeing this whole package from another perspective, which may help you get off the hook. "